Lonely heart

Sometimes I feel quite lonely.  Luckily, the feeling comes and goes.

People say that being alone is not the same as feeling alone.  On the whole most people need some time alone, away from the demands of people and the pressures of work to stay sane.  There is nothing wrong with your own company, sometimes.

I tell myself it is normal for me to feel lonely on occasion.  After all, I spend most of my time with two teenagers.  Fairly fickle creatures who only have their best interests at heart.  Fortunately for them, I am on their side and I to only have their best interests at heart but, every now and then it would be nice if they recognised a little of the effort it takes to mould and shape them into the fine specimens they will eventually become.

However, I was once a teenager, so I know that is not going to happen anytime soon.

I think it was only a few years ago, that I myself realised exactly how much my parents had done for me throughout my life.  As a child and a teen and all through my early adulthood.  Sadly, for them, the job seems to be rolling on a bit, what with me being the only singleton in the family.  My Mother to this day, insists on checking up on me every other day, to make sure I am still alive and that the children have been fed.  She checks that I have paid my bills and that I have put my bins out and locked the door in the mornings… and so it goes on, and on.

She believes that if I had a man she wouldn’t have to check all these things because the man would be doing all the checking for her.  Therefore, she could take semi-retirement from her post as Mother, safe in the knowledge that I am being ‘taken care of’.  I have spent years trying to convince her that actually I can manage all this stuff myself and that if I had a man in my life, I have much more pressing issues for him to deal with, than the bins!

Alas, it is to no avail.

My Mum is old school and thinks that you cannot be truly happy, unless you have a companion in life and by this she means a man, not a Cocker Spaniel.  She does not believe that even now, in the futuristic year of 2020, a women can be entirely independent.  After all, who will fix your plumbing?  No pun intended!

Unfortunately, I do not get on particularly well with either man nor Spaniel, but if I had to choose, I think I prefer men, if only by a small margin and if I’m honest, mostly for the plumbing!

Which leads me nicely on to the fact that I have re-posted myself online.   *rollseyes

I know! Well, in my defensive it was kind of inevitable.  I am not an island, despite wishing I was sometimes.

Surely, there is  someone out there who can tolerate me for more a few minutes… 😉

I fall in and out of love with online dating really quickly, hence why I stop and start it so often.  Patience isn’t exactly one of my virtues, so trying to be nice for too long with little or no idea if it is actually working, is difficult.  I like to see results and absolutely hate the thought of so little return on my investment.  This doesn’t mean that I expect every conversation to turn into a great love affair, but it does mean that I don’t have the inclination for long, drawn out, chit chat that takes more dives than a premiership footballer and moves from Zero to here’s my bare chest, in less time than it takes to make a cup of tea.  I don’t speak the language of crap and bollocks.  This shit is time consuming and more than a little dull most of the time, so forgive me if I want to cut to the chase.

Women talk a lot about the pros and cons of being single.  My married friends are always envious of the fact that I am single and can do what I like, although this theory of doing what I like, when I like, is really just a theory.  In the same way that I am sure my outsiders view on their happy and loving marriage, is a tad rose tinted, I’m sure that they often want to kill each other, at least a couple of time a night.  For most of us the grass is always greener somewhere else.

The idea of marriage appeals to me.  The actual marriage, the one where you have another being to consult and be respectful of when any decision making is on the horizon, does not.

I have been single so long, I no longer know how I want to spend the rest of my days, but I do know that I do not want to be lonely and it is that thought that pushes me to keep trying.

Loneliness for me is something that comes and goes.  I often feel lonely but I am not sad when I am lonely, I am just a little bit bored, maybe?  I think of relationships and don’t necessarily think I will be happy, or happier, just that I will have company, but being bored/lonely in company is even worse than being single and not something that I ever want to get back into.  Been there got the T-shirt!

Of course I miss the intimacy that comes with a relationship. 

Yet it isn’t always about the sex.  The idea of a person, your person, someone who you can be completely at ease with, is the tantalising part of any relationship.

In my mind, I envisage us just being together, aware, yet unaware of each other.  Two people who share the same thoughts, who bring out the best in each other and have the ability to make the other feel at home.   A romantic notion if ever I heard one.

I am not adverse to falling in love, just a little sceptical that I may have inadvertently missed the boat.  Probably, while I was knee deep in myself.

I am not in any way unhappy, nor do I feel like something is missing and yet I think that if I do ever fall in love that is exactly what I will feel like.  Like I have just been waiting for that moment to happen.  The fulfilment that comes from being in love with someone surely makes your love of life seem brighter, more enjoyable somehow?  That has to be true, right?

Most of the time it is my boredom makes me feel lonely, it makes me want to do something or go someplace, but… and this is where it get’s tricky, who do I go with?  Who is my person, who wants to drive up the west coast with me in a tatty old van, living on hot dogs?  Who wants to help me finish the four hundred, unfinished, crosswords I still try and do every day? Who will make me think that actually I can see myself with you, for a while?  Is there even such a thing as ever after?  Or is it more like… this will do?

My first week ‘online’ has been as expected, two dates made, both cancelled, the offer of some extra marital activity,  a heated debate on why I don’t want to date a black man (which for the record I do not consider it to be racist, it is simply a matter of personal taste) and a marriage proposal in less than six minutes.  So far so freaking awesome!

I can’t wait to see what next week holds… but you could safely put a fiver on me wanting to remain single for a while yet.

❤️